Know Your Words

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

Have you ever had someone finish a thought or a sentence for you because they have heard it or know you so well they know what you will say before you say it? This can be good and bad according to the situation and the audience. What if that person could repeat you so well that when you want to say something entirely different, they say what you would normally say--you know, like a child who innocently repeats your words. Really embarrassing!
Unfortunately, I still live with the fact I have said words out of anger that has inhibited my marriage and relationship with my sons which I regret today. These words have taken their toll taking time and prayer to heal in their lives. I was not living as I should during those times, but now the Lord is working in healing us. It is a slow process. So often I have wanted to give up, but the Lord has sustained me and given me the strength to keep going.
I have often wondered why God allowed me to say these evil things from my heart that has wounded them so deeply. I guess He needed me to see just how evil my heart can be so that I would want to change my heart. It's not like He did not warn me or tried to help me; I guess He had to allow me because I was resisting Him impatient with the craziness going on in our lives. I had to see that although God was the center of my life, I was not living dependent on Him. It's pretty messed up. It's a pit you don't want to work your way out.
First Corinthians 13 says:
⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸Love never fails.
Why I did not trust in these words entraps my heart with guilt and conviction. I cannot take back my words, but I can allow the Lord to change my heart now that I am willing to trust in what He says. The home-life isn't as crazy, but I have lost much.

Lord Heavenly Father,
How I thank You for being there for all those times and did not give up on the situation. You were not always allowed to come in and intervene, but You were there in the mist of it all anyway. What has happened cannot be taken back, but the future has hope because of You. I commit myself to continue to allow You to build up in me who You want me to be and not what I think I should be. Like You did with Ruth, build me in like character so the healing in the lives of my men will direct them to You, in Jesus' precious name, Amen.