I Need To Stop!

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
I am famous for buying trouble and grappling with what God is trying to say to me. If the path is not absolutely clear, I think, "Well, if He really wants me to do this, He will make it crystal clear." This is me trying to walk in the darkness of somewhere I have never been or not use to penetrating my soul to the foundation of my faith. Is God suppose to take me by the hand like a child and walk me down the path to where He wants me to travel? I suppose seeing as I am a child of God.
Worrying about what has not happened and grappling with a decision takes far more energy than getting up and doing something. Sometimes God has to say to me, "Just do it, Nancy because I love you."
Confession time:
I buy trouble because of past failures. I still have not forgiven myself and my family problems which affected my efforts to go to school educating myself for a better future.
I am grappling with the decision to take a home course in writing for children due to these past failures, financial constraints, and constructing my time for the extra work. I was never good at planning for future events.
Now that I have revealed my little, black hole, time to see what God has to say about all this.
Ephesians 1:7 (NIV) ⁷In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace
God through the redemptive blood of Jesus Christ has forgiven me of all my sins through the riches of His undeserved pardon.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (KJV) Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

I am a new creation in Christ! Forgive the past,the old nature is forgiven, let the new thing God is leading you begin. Your past problems are in the past; keep them in the past or at least, learn from them.
I am struggling with the fact I don't have a good enough education to be an effective writer. What is the same advice you keep hearing in all the resources you have about writing:
You are not alone. Take the course. It's affordable now, it's at your own pace, and you will have your own tutor which is how you learn better anyway. Face it, Nancy, you are not good at self-starting and you could use the discipline. Remember Smiley's motto for adult birthday parties, "Organize them like you would a children's birthday party; No one will know the difference." You can always improve your vocabulary for adult writing along the way. And stop wishing for a laptop until you develop the discipline of using the one you have as the word processor it was intended when you asked for it. The other laptop will come. Just remember, the past authors had far less than you yet they were passionate enough to follow in God's will without the new technology. Are you sure you are passionate enough or are you acting like a spoiled brat?

Father God,
I have made my confessions within my little, black hole with one more admission: I want an easier life. I am a brat resisting Your call on my life because I am lazy when it comes to disciplining my given life. You provide all the time, but I waste it or procrastinate until You make it difficult for me to resist (like now). Help me in my unbelief. I commit myself to forgive the past so You can lead me by the hand to You future glory for me, in Jesus name and for His sake, Amen.